Brexit Heroes on the Bog: Even though the architects of our Brexit triumph might appear to be superhuman, they still need to visit the smallest-room once in a while. There’s no shame in that. Everybody in the world, apart from The Queen, has to go from time to time. Have you ever wondered what our heroes get up to while they’re doing their business? We have.
That’s why we pay one of our undercover reporters to hang around the toilets and report back on what our national saviours say when they’re busy laying a cable.
James Ratcliffe
The billionaire owner of Ineos may not have too much affection for his home country but never let it be said that he can’t crap for England!
John Redwood
As a fearless campaigner for the proud fish of Berkshire, it is little surprise that John Redwood’s piscine passions colour all of his activities.
Andrea Jenkyns
Many years ago somebody placed a 5000 horse-power V8 Dyson vacuum cleaner a little too close to one of Andrea’s lug-holes but bless her soul, she keeps on trying.
Boris Johnson
Never let it be said that our Glorious Leader can’t pump it out at both ends with equal aplomb.
Theresa May
Is there a more loyal person on this planet than Theresa May? Even when she’s dropping the kids off at the pool, her party is always foremost in her thoughts.
Vladimir Putin
Brexit wasn’t purely a British achievement. We had a little help from our friends abroad, too. Not least, the charming, affable and entirely democratic leader of Russia, Vladimir Putin. A knowledge of old naval jokes about may come in handy here.
Jeremy Corbyn
We often think that freeing our island from jack-booted Belgians was an entirely Tory achievement but it couldn’t have happened without the help of the man known as Jezza the Red. Any man who blows his entire reputation by forcing through an A50 declaration is guaranteed a place on our list of Brexit heroes. As such, he qualifies to have one of our reporters lurking outside his toilet door for the rest of his life.
Dido Harding
Dido is the queen of charity and would rarely consider taking a payment for anything. A woman has to make a living, though.
Jacob Rees-Mogg
When he’s not busy being down with the youth, the man known as Rees-Moggy Mogg is firmly rooted in reality. He was, after all, the one who told us not to get our hopes up too much as the benefits of Brexit will be a long way down the line.
Michael Gove
Everybody’s favourite cheeky monkey, Michael Gove, might seem like a quiet and unassuming type but behind his studious, wall-flower exterior, there lurks a world-beating ego. Never before, did a Minister of Christ-Knows-What take so much pride in his gross national product.
