Why We Must Abolish the Driving License

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Former Z-list actor, Lance Flitwitt tells Daily Distress readers why we need to abolish the driving license.

The Chase

As a seventeen-year-old, my greatest ambition in life was to acquire a driving license. I will never forget that feeling of unadulterated joy when my instructor accepted an envelope full of used bank-notes and declared that I had passed my test. A whole new world of freedom awaited this handsome, young driver. Or did it?

I soon became aware that this seemingly magical document could also prove to be a burden. It came with something called points. And not the good sort of points that one gets for spending money in Harrod’s or working on the old carbon footprint. Oh no! These points add-up to fines and driving bans.

On a seemingly daily basis, fresh points would arrive in the post. It didn’t seem to matter whether I had parked on the pavement or right in the middle of the road. The dreaded points would still appear like a succession of refugees, unwanted, unwelcome and unrequested.


There were points for being over-refreshed, points for driving without headlights, points for driving whilst banned. There was even a time when I received points for failing to stop in spite of a pedestrian being unambiguously dead. Did the communists at City Hall really expect me to waste the resources of their “sacred” NHS?

I started to wonder how the authorities were aware of all these alleged misdemeanours. Was there a deeper, darker agenda at work? Did they already know that this young star of stage and screen would, one day, emerge as their greatest political threat? Such treatment can make even the most level-headed of men paranoid.

The more deeply I looked into it, the more I realised that they must have been spying on me. How else would they know that I had been or slurping a little too deeply from the Krug? How could they possibly know that I was doing precisely 83 miles per hour in a built-up area? It just didn’t seem to make sense.

And then, it finally clicked. They were monitoring me! There was no other explanation. But how were they doing it? I removed item after item from my car but still, it kept on happening. The deluge of points continued until, completely by accident, I left my wallet at home one day. And guess what? No points that day! Coincidence? I don’t think so. I rifled through the contents of my wallet and there was only one possible culprit.


Do you see those little yellow stars on the horribly European bit of your license? Have you ever wondered what they are? They’re not there for decoration, I can assure you. Each of those stars is actually a piece of miniaturised surveillance equipment. There is a camera, a microphone, a GPS tracker and all sorts in there. THE EXACT TOOLS USED BY THE KGB!

Whilst we are all painfully aware of the government’s plan to immunise us with 5G signals and impurify our race with supermarket adverts, few Brits are aware that they are being monitored and manipulated by their driving licenses. THE NEW WORLD ORDER IS RIGHT THERE IN YOUR POCKET!

You may think that this problem, like all others, will disappear after Brexit. But you’d be wrong. The circuitry hidden in those stars will simply find its way into the Union Jack. OUR OWN FLAG WILL BE SPYING ON US!

A driving license is hardly an important document. Unlike an ID card, it does not help us to identify Johnny Foreigner, so it can hardly be classed as a necessary evil. It’s only legitimate purpose is, supposedly, to identify those that are fit to use Her Majesty’s roads.


Cars are, fundamentally, like chain-saws. You either know how to use one or you don’t. If you’re one of those that don’t, then it’s an absolute no-brainer that you shouldn’t. If you do, you hardly need some Health and Safety type telling you how to do it. The same applies to guns, of course, but we’ll save that for another day.

Will you join me in my fight for BRITISH FREEDOM?

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Here are a few things that you can do today:

  • 1) Write to your MP. It will do no good, of course, but it will make you feel better.
  • 2) Offer the Auction Party some money to make this a matter of policy.
  • 3) Join the People’s Libertarian Front of Mercia (not to be confused with the Mercian People’s Libertarian Front) and make a large donation.
  • 4) Send me a personal cheque to support my campaign.


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