Cover Story
Daily Distress covers from the last few days. Grab them while they’re hot – they’ll be covered in chip-fat by tomorrow, assuming that anyone has been able to get hold of any potatoes, of course.
The Devil’s Dictionary 2021
The Devil’s Dictionary has been updated for the 2020s. Here are some of its newer entries.
Brit Trek – Gas Money
After a series of improbably stupid adventures, ridiculous shark-jumps and unresolved plotlines, our newly reshuffled crew of plucky, British space adventurers are once again adrift in the darkest recesses of space. A fresh crisis looms as the Spivship Enterprise finds itself in desperate need of some gas money. SPACE, THE FINAL FRONTIER. THESE ARE THE …
New Doctor Who Revealed
Since its creation in 1963, Doctor Who has been one of Britain’s most iconic TV shows. Following the announcement of the forthcoming departure of its current star, Jodie Whittaker, speculation has been rife as to who will be the new Doctor Who. Speculation There is never a shortage of rumours where a new Doctor Who …
5 Classic Cars of the 1980s with Jeremy Claxon
Top motoring journalist, columnist and controversialist Jeremy Claxon selects his top 5 classic cars of the 1980s. Ferrari Testosterone The Testosterone is one of my all-time favourite Ferraris. It may not have the flappy-paddle gear-shift or a button-activated ‘driving at Monza’ mode of a modern-day supercar, but it does cover all the basics. It’s fast, …
Go to Heaven the Easy Way
When you die, will you go to Heaven or burn in Hell for all eternity? It’s not quite as clear-cut as you might think. God is a pretty forgiving guy but we tend to forget that He sees everything we do. And that’s not just everything we do in life. It’s everything that we do …
The Free Speech Five
Looking for Adventure The freshly renamed Free Speech Five were holding a meeting in the Ball Room with the lead-piping. All of the members of the new-look Famous Five were present. Julian Kirrin, the child detective; Uncle Quentin, the government boffin; freelance journalist Gerald Milton-Bostock and ace cub-reporter Peter Hitchens, all sat at the table. …
Healthy Food for Students
If you’re leaving home for the first time, you’re probably worried about what you’re going to eat. Sure, you’d like to be as healthy as possible but you won’t have much time to cook and money will be tight. What should you do? Worry no more! Here is the handy A-Z guide to healthy food …
The Famous Five get Cancelled
The Famous Five Back on Kirrin Island It was the start of the Summer holidays and the Famous Five were back at Uncle Quentin’s mansion on Kirrin Island. Julian, Dick and Anne were playing Sardines in the library when George and Timmy burst into the room. “Everybody look at what’s in Timmy’s mouth!” cried George. …
Bunga Bunga Party Ahoy!
Whilst Brexit may have brought many benefits to the UK, one of its unfortunate side-effects has been the devastation that it has brought to the country’s fishing fleets. All may not be lost, however. A new scheme from the Department of International Trade could be set to turn our ailing trawlers into a crack squadron …
The Daily Express Today and Yesterday
Welcome to the latest chapter in our comprehensive history of The Daily Express. Today, we will look back on how our finest newspaper reported on some of the things that happened between 1600 and the English Civil War. As The Daily Express hauled itself into its current home of the 17th Century, there was no …
The 110 Pound Diet
The UK’s much-loved Prime Minister is something of a health nut, and he aspires to inspire the nation with a revolutionary weight-loss program. For several months, Boris Johnson has been selflessly trialling the experimental 110 Pound Diet System. It is believed that the portly PM was first introduced to the plan by close friend and …
A Prophet Walks Into a Bar …
Assigned to an anonymous town in the English Midlands, in order to prove that even the most seemingly god-forsaken places are not completely beyond redemption, Jesus’ diaries continue the story of His life in the UK. Even a prophet needs a bit of downtime. The Jesus Diaries – Chapter 2 Verse 1 It was my …
Voter Fraud – Secret Memo Leaked
With the government poised to adopt extraordinary measures against seemingly non-existent voter fraud, questions have been raised as to the motivation behind the move. A leaked House of Commons memorandum would appear to explain the plan in rather unsettling detail. Speculation is rife as to the identity of the sender of the memo, who names …
Vox Pop – Sleaze
There’s no getting away from it, the first word that comes up when people discuss British politics these days is sleaze. Our leaders insist that nobody cares whether people steal a few million quid of their money from time to time, but are they right? We heroically took to the streets to ask the British …
Hell on Earth
The UK government, faced with crippling rises in ferry fees across the river Styx, has come up with an innovative solution. Britain will become the first nation in history to privatise its Underworld operations and literally create Hell on Earth. Britain had, since time immemorial, paid a fee of two pennies per soul to Charon, …
Where’s Moggy?
Where’s Moggy? Our fantastic new competition is here! Our lord and saviour, Jacob Rees-Mogg, the right honourable something or other for the 16th Century has taken to hiding himself in the pages of The Daily Distress. He thinks that this is the last place that people will look now that hiding in a fridge has …
Saint Jeremy
Various books have been removed from the Bible over the centuries for all sorts of reasons. The Protevangelion, for example, was removed because nobody was quite sure how to pronounce Protevangelion. The Book of Enoch got the chop due to a copyright dispute with the makers of Battlestar Galactica. The two Books of Maccabees were …
Sod NATO, Britain’s Got a New Phonetic Alphabet
An influential “think” tank has revealed plans for post-Brexit Britain to get its own uniquely British version of the irritatingly international NATO phonetic alphabet. The entirely unelected and unrequested group, Phobos, have declared that the days of “alpha, bravo, charlie” are due to end. The leader of Phobos (the paramilitary wing of The Bullingdon Club), …
Barnstoneworth Independence Party
Could Barnstoneworth be set to declare its independence from the UK? The Barnstoneworth Independence Party and their leader, Jack “Wolfy” Ramsbottom hope so. In an exclusive interview with The Daily Distress, Ramsbottom tells us how a dispute with the Yorkshire Cribbage League could develop into a seismic wave that will strike at the heart of …
GB News to Launch GB News Minus One
GB News Minus One is set to become the world’s first “minus one” channel. In recent years, we have become used to “plus one” stations such as ITV3+1 and Dave Ja Vu which allow us to see programmes that were broadcast an hour previously, but the dream of pre-emptive broadcasting is one that has eluded …
The Ten Commandments of Number 10
The Ten Commandments go way, way back to the days before paper had been invented, and were carved on tablets of stone by Moses. They made their debut in the book of Exodus and went on to play a starring role in its smash-hit sequel, Deuteronomy. This simple and unambiguous guide on life and how …
Brit Trek – Fedexit
PREVIOUSLY ON BRIT TREK: The Spivship Enterprise crashed into a different TV franchise after Captain Berk rather foolishly allowed Ensign Schapps to have a go at navigating. Our clueless, spaffaholics are now trapped on a mysterious island in the Pacific and have even less of an idea than usual what’s going on. In the Lost …
GB News Announces Schedule
It’s coming! The new, balanced news service to rival Tim Davie’s completely unbiased BBC is almost ready to launch. GB News is on its way with the truth, the whole truth and nothing but opinion. With a promise to be proudly British, wholly uncritical of the far-right and determinedly anti-woke, GB News will provide a …
Carry On Up The Poxhole
Greetings fellow patriots. Following the success of the first issue of The Poxhole, we’re back with some more highly original thoughts from anybody who’s anybody in the world of rabid, right-wing mischief-making. This week we’re opening up our platform to Peter Bitchings, a man who is so cancelled that he can barely get his ugly …
Brit Trek – Lost and Loster
PREVIOUSLY ON BRIT TREK – LOST IN SPACE: HAVING NAIVELY TRUSTED ENSIGN SCHAPPS TO NAVIGATE, THE CREW OF THE SPIVSHIP ENTERPRISE HAVE CRASH-LANDED ON A MYSTERIOUS ISLAND. CAPTAIN BERK IS IN DIRE STRAITS HAVING DISCOVERED, AMONGST OTHER THINGS, THAT ENSIGN JENKYNS CAN’T SPELL S.O.S. AND THAT ENSIGN REDWOOD REALLY IS AS BATTY AS EVERYBODY SUSPECTED. …
The Daily Express – A History – Part 2
We continue our exhaustive history of the Daily Express with a look at some of their notable coverage of events between the fourteenth century and the start of the first Elizabethan age. Having put the middle-aged into the Middle Ages and the evil into Medieval, the Daily Express continued to blaze a trail that few …
G7 – Britain Calls for a Rethink
Great Britain is set to deliver a motion to the G7 seeking significant expansion to its number of member nations. The Group of 7 currently consists of the USA, Canada, France, Germany, Italy, the UK and Japan There have been several changes to the group’s membership since it was founded as the Group of 5 …
The Daily Express – A History – Part 1
Nowadays The Daily Express is known for its scrupulous factual accuracy and its fiercely impartial reporting. This wasn’t always the case, though. As hard as it is to believe, in centuries gone by, The Daily Express was renowned for being a touch reactionary. Here we take a look at how The Crusader dealt with some …
The Poxhole News
Here at The Poxhole News, we cater only for true patriots. If you’re some kind of lefty, do-gooding, woke, yoghurt-knitter, sod off and read the bloody Guardian with the grown-ups. We aren’t interested in you. You must really hate our bloody country, you vile, little, communist twat. If, on the other hand, you happen to …
Brit Trek – Lost in Space
The crew of the Spivship Enterprise are on their way to Metabilis-3, or so they think. This time the Brit Trek bunch really are lost in space. Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Spivship Enterprise. Its four year mission. To gaslight new worlds. To seek out new spaffs. And destroy civilisation. …
Festival of Brexit Plans Revealed
The St. Cleve Chronicle lands a national scoop as it reveals that Saint Cleve has been chosen to host the Festival of Brexit. The announcement may come as something of a surprise as the small village was up against several major cities in the bidding process. However, thanks to some tireless lobbying and a substantial …
Brexit Heroes on the Bog
Brexit Heroes on the Bog: Even though the architects of our Brexit triumph might appear to be superhuman, they still need to visit the smallest-room once in a while. There’s no shame in that. Everybody in the world, apart from The Queen, has to go from time to time. Have you ever wondered what our …
British Fish on Brexit Reality – Vox Pop Redux
A few weeks ago we asked some of our plucky British fish what they thought about the upcoming Brexit adventure. Have any of them changed their opinion now that they have been swimming in their own sovereignty for the best part of a month? As implied by the fancy Latin subtitle, we revisit the same …
Tales From Topographic Oceans – One Man’s Story
We often witness feats of incredible human endurance. People ride the Tour de France, climb the north face of the Eiger or do triathlons all of the time. And we applaud those people. But what about the everyday heroes who don’t make the headlines? We went in search of people who have endured the unendurable …
Countdown Conundrum – Is Channel 4 Brainwashing Our Grannies?
Countdown, Channel 4’s long-running, mid-afternoon gameshow would, at first sight, seem to be the most harmless show on television. The game, which involves solving word puzzles and doing sums, has long been seen as harmless entertainment for the old and the unemployable. But could a sinister secret be lurking behind the Countdown Conundrum? Former actor …
Countdown Conundrum – Is Channel 4 Brainwashing Our Grannies? Read More »
Brit Trek – Christmas Special
In the last, thrilling episode of Brit Trek, the insipid Captain Berk and his disloyal crew got caught up in a tacky reconstruction of Apocalypse Now and made a dark pact with Colonel Cummings. This ongoing story-arc may or may not be revisited at some point in the future. In the meantime, we find the …
2020 – A Distressing Year in Memes
To celebrate our 6 month anniversary, we take a look back at the worst year in living memory with some of our very worst memes. Keen observers will have noticed that The Daily Distress doesn’t have a graphic designer on board and that memes really aren’t our speciality. Alien Invasion With a fat orange freak …
The Crap Brexit Sketch
With sincere apologies to Monty Python, The Daily Distress proudly presents the Crap Brexit Sketch. Please note that there is some mild swearing. [A CUSTOMER ENTERS A SHOP] Mr. Praline: ’Ello, I wish to register a complaint. [THE OWNER, WHOSE NAME IS BORIS, IGNORES HIM] Mr. Praline: ’Ello, Miss? Boris: What do you mean “Miss?” Mr. Praline: I’m sorry, …
The Apprentice Political Special
For obvious reasons, the BBC was unable to make the traditional Autumn series of The Apprentice last year. Unable to afford celebrities and scared to endanger civilian lives, the nation’s broadcaster of hearts was forced to resort to having politicians as contestants. The Apprentice Political Special followed the traditional format of the show with suitably …
Libertarian Party Calls for End of Evil UK Driving License
The UK’s Auction Party which styles itself on the right-wing US Libertarian Party has called for the abolition of the British driving license. Former actor turned political activist, Lance Flitwitt tells Daily Distress readers why he believes that the driving license represents an unnecessary layer of bureaucracy. The Chase As a seventeen-year-old, my greatest ambition …
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Brit Trek – The Search for Cummings’ Brain
If you missed the start of Brit Trek, you haven’t lived. But fortunately, you can catch up here. Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Spiv-ship Enterprise. Its four year mission. To create new billionaires. To siphon-off wealth. And destroy the nation. To boldly go where no bugger has been daft enough …
Brit Trek
UPTV (Unspeakably Poor Television) is proud to present a brand new space opera – Brit Trek! Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Spiv-ship Enterprise. Its four year mission. To create strange new worlds. To seek out new scams. And destroy civilisation. To boldly go where no bugger has been daft enough …
A Guide to British Fish by John Deadwood MP
Hi, I’m John Deadwood, MP for some place near Reading. Most of you will know me from my fearless and relentless campaigning for Vladimir Putin, but when I’m not busy ignoring my constituents or spouting crap on Twitter, I’m quite the ichthyologist. Yes, that’s right, I study fish! Being from Berkshire, the sea is clearly …
The Life and Times of Darren Grimes
Darren Grimes was an ordinary thirteen-year-old boy. He had greasy hair, an abundance of spots and he stank to high Heaven. Apart from an unhealthy fixation with fish, everything else in his life was perfectly normal. Just like any other boy, he was seen as an inconvenience by his parents, and as an infliction by …
How to Feed Your Kids for Pennies
Hi, I’m Kirstie Alldross, and it’s a pleasure to share my life with you. Normally I’d be here to promote my new TV series, Life and How to Live It (coming soon on Netflix) and my new book Calm with Kirstie (only £29.99). But in this time of national crisis, I’m here to share some …
9 Things That You Never Knew About Castles
What did Henry VIII, Count Dracula and George Harrison all have in common? They all lived in castles! Castles are a commonplace sight around the UK but here are a few things that you probably didn’t know about these rather heavily fortified houses. 1There are thought to be around 1,500 castles in England alone. We’re …
Government Tender Plans Revealed
In a world exclusive, The Daily Distress reveals a government document laying out plans for its new tendering process. Explanatory Memorandum to Procurement and Tendering Act (2020) 2020 No: 1984 Introduction 1.1) The purpose of this document is to outline some jolly important changes to the way that the government spends the taxpayers’ hard-earned cash. …
New Political Party Launched
Hi, I’m Lance Flittwit, star of stage and screen. You’ve probably seen me in such classics as The Night of the Giant Hamsters and Skippy Goes to Bangkok. You will have loved my cameos in The Bill and Casualty and may even have caught my legendary performance in The Old Harrovian’s Gang Show. If you’re …
Doctor Who and the Jelly Babies
Cast and crew Jodie Whittaker as The Doctor. TV’s Bradley Walsh as Graham. Tosin Cole as Thingy. Mandip Gill as Wotsit. Joey Essex as himself. Tom Baker as Tom Baker. Sacha Dawan as <Spoiler Removed> Epilogue A BUSY LONDON STREET TOM BAKER: Ah, I say! Young man! Would you be so kind as to direct …
Learn Extremism Like a PRO!
Are you looking for a new career as a pain in the backside? Are you tired of thinking? Do you find reality confusing and overly nuanced? Do you simply want to troll the internet? Do you want to learn extremism like a true pro? If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions, then …
Cutest Cat Picture in the World Discovered
The cutest cat picture in the world has been discovered on a mobile phone in the darkest depths of the English Midlands. The subject, believed to be known as Bailey, is an English Cream of an unspecified vintage. When not lying on his back and looking insanely cute, Bailey likes to spend his time doing …
