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Daily Distress covers from the last few days. Grab them while they’re hot – they’ll be covered in chip-fat by tomorrow, assuming that anyone has been able to get hold of any potatoes, of course.

Brit Trek - Gas Money

Brit Trek – Gas Money

After a series of improbably stupid adventures, ridiculous shark-jumps and unresolved plotlines, our newly reshuffled crew of plucky, British space adventurers are once again adrift in the darkest recesses of space. A fresh crisis looms as the Spivship Enterprise finds itself in desperate need of some gas money. SPACE, THE FINAL FRONTIER. THESE ARE THE …

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New Doctor Who Revealed

New Doctor Who Revealed

Since its creation in 1963, Doctor Who has been one of Britain’s most iconic TV shows. Following the announcement of the forthcoming departure of its current star, Jodie Whittaker, speculation has been rife as to who will be the new Doctor Who. Speculation There is never a shortage of rumours where a new Doctor Who …

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go to Heaven the easy way

Go to Heaven the Easy Way

When you die, will you go to Heaven or burn in Hell for all eternity? It’s not quite as clear-cut as you might think. God is a pretty forgiving guy but we tend to forget that He sees everything we do. And that’s not just everything we do in life. It’s everything that we do …

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The Free Speech Five

The Free Speech Five

Looking for Adventure The freshly renamed Free Speech Five were holding a meeting in the Ball Room with the lead-piping. All of the members of the new-look Famous Five were present. Julian Kirrin, the child detective; Uncle Quentin, the government boffin; freelance journalist Gerald Milton-Bostock and ace cub-reporter Peter Hitchens, all sat at the table. …

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daily distress healthy eating for students

Healthy Food for Students

If you’re leaving home for the first time, you’re probably worried about what you’re going to eat. Sure, you’d like to be as healthy as possible but you won’t have much time to cook and money will be tight. What should you do? Worry no more! Here is the handy A-Z guide to healthy food …

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The Famous Five Cancelled

The Famous Five get Cancelled

The Famous Five Back on Kirrin Island It was the start of the Summer holidays and the Famous Five were back at Uncle Quentin’s mansion on Kirrin Island. Julian, Dick and Anne were playing Sardines in the library when George and Timmy burst into the room. “Everybody look at what’s in Timmy’s mouth!” cried George. …

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Bunga Bunga Party Boat of the future

Bunga Bunga Party Ahoy!

Whilst Brexit may have brought many benefits to the UK, one of its unfortunate side-effects has been the devastation that it has brought to the country’s fishing fleets. All may not be lost, however. A new scheme from the Department of International Trade could be set to turn our ailing trawlers into a crack squadron …

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110 pound diet

The 110 Pound Diet

The UK’s much-loved Prime Minister is something of a health nut, and he aspires to inspire the nation with a revolutionary weight-loss program. For several months, Boris Johnson has been selflessly trialling the experimental 110 Pound Diet System. It is believed that the portly PM was first introduced to the plan by close friend and …

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voter fraud

Voter Fraud – Secret Memo Leaked

With the government poised to adopt extraordinary measures against seemingly non-existent voter fraud, questions have been raised as to the motivation behind the move. A leaked House of Commons memorandum would appear to explain the plan in rather unsettling detail. Speculation is rife as to the identity of the sender of the memo, who names …

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Vox Pop – Sleaze

There’s no getting away from it, the first word that comes up when people discuss British politics these days is sleaze. Our leaders insist that nobody cares whether people steal a few million quid of their money from time to time, but are they right? We heroically took to the streets to ask the British …

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Hell on Earth

Hell on Earth

The UK government, faced with crippling rises in ferry fees across the river Styx, has come up with an innovative solution. Britain will become the first nation in history to privatise its Underworld operations and literally create Hell on Earth. Britain had, since time immemorial, paid a fee of two pennies per soul to Charon, …

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where's moggy the fun Jacob Rees-Mogg game for all the family

Where’s Moggy?

Where’s Moggy? Our fantastic new competition is here! Our lord and saviour, Jacob Rees-Mogg, the right honourable something or other for the 16th Century has taken to hiding himself in the pages of The Daily Distress. He thinks that this is the last place that people will look now that hiding in a fridge has …

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Saint Jeremy Corbyn

Saint Jeremy

Various books have been removed from the Bible over the centuries for all sorts of reasons. The Protevangelion, for example, was removed because nobody was quite sure how to pronounce Protevangelion. The Book of Enoch got the chop due to a copyright dispute with the makers of Battlestar Galactica. The two Books of Maccabees were …

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Barnstoneworth Independence Party

Barnstoneworth Independence Party

Could Barnstoneworth be set to declare its independence from the UK? The Barnstoneworth Independence Party and their leader, Jack “Wolfy” Ramsbottom hope so. In an exclusive interview with The Daily Distress, Ramsbottom tells us how a dispute with the Yorkshire Cribbage League could develop into a seismic wave that will strike at the heart of …

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Brit Trek The Fedexit Years

Brit Trek – Fedexit

PREVIOUSLY ON BRIT TREK: The Spivship Enterprise crashed into a different TV franchise after Captain Berk rather foolishly allowed Ensign Schapps to have a go at navigating. Our clueless, spaffaholics are now trapped on a mysterious island in the Pacific and have even less of an idea than usual what’s going on. In the Lost …

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GB News - News for the hard of thinking

GB News Announces Schedule

It’s coming! The new, balanced news service to rival Tim Davie’s completely unbiased BBC is almost ready to launch. GB News is on its way with the truth, the whole truth and nothing but opinion. With a promise to be proudly British, wholly uncritical of the far-right and determinedly anti-woke, GB News will provide a …

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Carry on up the Poxhole - more ripping satire from the Daily Distress

Carry On Up The Poxhole

Greetings fellow patriots. Following the success of the first issue of The Poxhole, we’re back with some more highly original thoughts from anybody who’s anybody in the world of rabid, right-wing mischief-making. This week we’re opening up our platform to Peter Bitchings, a man who is so cancelled that he can barely get his ugly …

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brit trek lost and loster daily distress satire star trek lost LOTR

Brit Trek – Lost and Loster


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The Poxhole News Daily Distress UK Satire

The Poxhole News

Here at The Poxhole News, we cater only for true patriots. If you’re some kind of lefty, do-gooding, woke, yoghurt-knitter, sod off and read the bloody Guardian with the grown-ups. We aren’t interested in you. You must really hate our bloody country, you vile, little, communist twat. If, on the other hand, you happen to …

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Brit Trek Lost in Space Award winning satire from the Daily Distress

Brit Trek – Lost in Space

The crew of the Spivship Enterprise are on their way to Metabilis-3, or so they think. This time the Brit Trek bunch really are lost in space. Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Spivship Enterprise. Its four year mission. To gaslight new worlds. To seek out new spaffs. And destroy civilisation. …

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brexit heroes on the bog daily distress satire toilet humour

Brexit Heroes on the Bog

Brexit Heroes on the Bog: Even though the architects of our Brexit triumph might appear to be superhuman, they still need to visit the smallest-room once in a while. There’s no shame in that. Everybody in the world, apart from The Queen, has to go from time to time. Have you ever wondered what our …

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countdown susie dent and paul zenon

Countdown Conundrum – Is Channel 4 Brainwashing Our Grannies?

Countdown, Channel 4’s long-running, mid-afternoon gameshow would, at first sight, seem to be the most harmless show on television. The game, which involves solving word puzzles and doing sums, has long been seen as harmless entertainment for the old and the unemployable. But could a sinister secret be lurking behind the Countdown Conundrum? Former actor …

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the crap brexit sketch daily distress monty pythin

The Crap Brexit Sketch

With sincere apologies to Monty Python, The Daily Distress proudly presents the Crap Brexit Sketch. Please note that there is some mild swearing. [A CUSTOMER ENTERS A SHOP] Mr. Praline: ’Ello, I wish to register a complaint. [THE OWNER, WHOSE NAME IS BORIS, IGNORES HIM] Mr. Praline: ’Ello, Miss? Boris: What do you mean “Miss?” Mr. Praline: I’m sorry, …

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the apprentice political special daily distress satire

The Apprentice Political Special

For obvious reasons, the BBC was unable to make the traditional Autumn series of The Apprentice last year. Unable to afford celebrities and scared to endanger civilian lives, the nation’s broadcaster of hearts was forced to resort to having politicians as contestants. The Apprentice Political Special followed the traditional format of the show with suitably …

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abolish the driving license lance flitwitt daily distress

Libertarian Party Calls for End of Evil UK Driving License

The UK’s Auction Party which styles itself on the right-wing US Libertarian Party has called for the abolition of the British driving license. Former actor turned political activist, Lance Flitwitt tells Daily Distress readers why he believes that the driving license represents an unnecessary layer of bureaucracy. The Chase As a seventeen-year-old, my greatest ambition …

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brit trek daily distress satire

Brit Trek

UPTV (Unspeakably Poor Television) is proud to present a brand new space opera – Brit Trek! Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Spiv-ship Enterprise. Its four year mission. To create strange new worlds. To seek out new scams. And destroy civilisation. To boldly go where no bugger has been daft enough …

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daily distress exclusive government procurement plans revealed

Government Tender Plans Revealed

In a world exclusive, The Daily Distress reveals a government document laying out plans for its new tendering process. Explanatory Memorandum to Procurement and Tendering Act (2020) 2020 No: 1984 Introduction 1.1) The purpose of this document is to outline some jolly important changes to the way that the government spends the taxpayers’ hard-earned cash. …

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shepshed university extremism course daily distress satire

Learn Extremism Like a PRO!

Are you looking for a new career as a pain in the backside? Are you tired of thinking? Do you find reality confusing and overly nuanced? Do you simply want to troll the internet? Do you want to learn extremism like a true pro? If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions, then …

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