Government Tender Plans Revealed

In a world exclusive, The Daily Distress reveals a government document laying out plans for its new tendering process.

Explanatory Memorandum to

Procurement and Tendering Act (2020)

2020 No: 1984


1.1) The purpose of this document is to outline some jolly important changes to the way that the government spends the taxpayers’ hard-earned cash.

1.2) It would appear that not only is there an awful lot of red tape based on “fair tendering” and whatnot but some of the money isn’t even ending up in the right chaps’ trousers.

1.3) To rectify this problem, The Procurement and Tendering Act (2020) will create a register of acknowledged suppliers who will be free to tender without competition. Entry to the register will be determined by a points system outlined below.

Criteria for Entry on Register

2) A score of over 100 should guarantee inclusion whilst a score of between 60 and 100 will be considered to be open to lubrication. Any organisation scoring below 60 should be discounted completely. Points will be allocated on a combined score based on the financial stability, customer service history and whatever of the company combined with a score based on the proprietor’s social background.

2.1) Any appeals will be filed WPB by yours truly.

Available Points

3) Points will be allocated for the following attributes up to the maximum stated.

3.1) Company assessment

3.1.1) Solvency – The company should, ideally, be in the black but to be honest, if you’ve got a huge wodge of taxpayers’ dosh coming your way, it’s not all that important, hence a maximum of 1 point.

3.1.2) Propriety – The company will have a solid track record of being nice to children and small furry animals. 1 point.

3.1.2) Relevance – It is nice if the company has some association with the area of activity for which it seeks contracts but it is by no means necessary. One hardly needs to own a boat in order to operate a shipping line. 1 point.

3.1.3) Tax Status – It is easier, from a PR point of view, if the company pays some of its taxes in the UK but we all appreciate the benefits of Bermuda. 2 points.

3.2) Owner Assessment

3.2.1) Educational background – Points awarded according to the following schedule based on annual school fees.

£10,000 – £19,999 5 points
£20,000 – £29,999 15 points
£30,000 – £39,999 25 points
£40,000+ 50 points

Additional points may be obtained for Higher Education as follows:

Cambridge (like me) 30 points
Oxford 20 points

3.2.2) Social Engagement – Additional points may be awarded for platinum level attendance at the following events:

Badminton 5 points
Glyndebourne 10 points
Cowes 10 points
Henley 5 points
Boodle’s 10 points

3.2.3) Background – an additional 100 points may be awarded to anyone who was at school with anybody listed in Appendix A provided that they were not considered to be an oik or a swot.

4) Conclusion

As we all know, this process has been operating informally for some time but I do feel that it’s high time that we formalise the process just in case, God forbid, the opposition ever get in. It is the only viable way that we can provide an assured future for nice people and maintain our cordial links with .

I whole-heartedly commend this motion to the house – and there will be, of course, the customary case of Krug for anyone that votes for it.

Pip! Pip!

Sir Roderick Cumstain QC,
Special Advisor.