The UK’s much-loved Prime Minister is something of a health nut, and he aspires to inspire the nation with a revolutionary weight-loss program. For several months, Boris Johnson has been selflessly trialling the experimental 110 Pound Diet System.
It is believed that the portly PM was first introduced to the plan by close friend and advisor Dominic Cummings.
At the heart of the regime, lies an unusual approach. Dieters are encouraged to forget about pounds of weight and think about pounds of money. There is no faffing around with exercise, calorie counting or progressive weight loss, the 110 pound diet simply encourages people to eat like there’s no tomorrow until they reach a moment of spectacular weight reduction.
The diet sheet is easy to follow. There are no restricted food groups or forbidden items, the dieter can simply eat whatever they want provided that they spend £110 per day on takeaway food. Whether it’s kebabs, chips or pizza, the dieter is free to pretend that it’s all organic.
All of that might sound simple but a healthy appetite and an awful lot of commitment are called for. As diets go, this certainly isn’t one for light-weights.
A leaked government document which we generated on a popular takeaway food website gives an insight into just how much food £110 will buy you at McDonald’s:
A Day in the Diet of Mr Johnson
- Galaxy Chocolate McFlurry® @ £1.39
- 20 Chicken McNuggets® Sharebox @ £4.79
- Barbeque Dip
- Sweet ‘N’ Sour Dip
- Sweet Curry Dip
- 5 Chicken Selects® Meal @ £6.91
- Large Meal
- Fries
- Coca-Cola® Classic
- Bacon Clubhouse Double @ £5.09
- Bacon Clubhouse Double Meal @ £7.11
- Fries
- Coca-Cola® Classic
- No Lettuce
- Bacon Double Cheeseburger @ £1.99
- Bacon Mayo Chicken @£1.39
- Banana Milkshake @ £1.89
- Large
- Big Mac® Meal @ £6.21
- Large Meal
- Fries
- Coca-Cola® Classic
- Cheeseburger @ £0.99
- Chicken Deluxe Meal @ £6.81
- Large Meal
- Fries
- Coca-Cola® Classic
- Chicken Legend® with BBQ Sauce Meal @ £6.51
- Large Meal
- Fries
- Coca-Cola® Classic
- Chicken Legend® with Cool Mayo Meal @ £6.71
- Large Meal
- Fries
- Coca-Cola® Classic
- Chocolate Milkshake @ £1.89
- Large
- Double Cheeseburger @£1.59
- Double Quarter Pounder™ with Cheese @ £1.59
- Extra Bacon
- Filet-O-Fish® Meal @ £6.01
- Fries
- Coca-Cola® Classic
- Extra Bacon
- Galaxy Caramel McFlurry® @ £1.39
- Hamburger @ £0.89
- Hot Apple Pie @£0.99
- 8 Large Fries @ £11.92
- Maltesers McFlurry®@ £0.99
- Mayo Chicken @ £0.99
- McChicken® Sandwich Meal @ £5.81
- Large Meal
- Fries
- Coca-Cola® Classic
- Millionaire’s Donut£1.39 @ £1.39
- Oreo® McFlurry® @ £0.99
- Quarter Pounder™ with Cheese Meal @ £5.61
- Large Meal
- Fries
- Coca-Cola® Classic
- Smarties McFlurry® @ £0.99
- Strawberry Milkshake @ £1.89
- Large
- Triple Cheeseburger @£2.19
- Vanilla Milkshake @ £1.89
- Large
- Total £110.30
As we can see, even with the liberal application of extra bacon, cheese and mayo options, and a scrupulous avoidance of salad, the Parliamentary porker has to spend the vast majority of his day troughing. It is quite likely that he even has to eat whilst on the toilet. 1,462 fries don’t scoff themselves. It’s a disgusting thought, but it shows how far our Glorious Leader is prepared to go when he is doing his best for the country.
The Theory Behind the 110 Pound Diet
A special advisor to Mr Cummings explained the science behind the PM’s new regime. “The program was specifically created for Mr Johnson”, he told us. “We knew he was too busy just to eat less and move more, so we had to draw on some big science. The plan actually draws on a research paper by some bloke called Penrose – the scientist, not the crook of the same name – in which he bangs on about black holes and singularities and stuff that is, quite frankly, a little bit over my head.
“The upshot, though, is if that we can increase the density of the contents of our leader’s arteries, they will eventually become so dense that they suck in all the lard from his internal organs thus causing a chain-reaction in the fabric of space-time that will ultimately reduce his stomach to the size of one of his beloved London ‘buses.”
Will it work?
We weren’t entirely convinced by what we had heard, so we sought some expert advice.
Firstly, we asked “Doctor” Gillian McKeir, a nutritionist at Shepshed University. She told us “I’d imagine that it will cause him to produce an awful lot of poo which is great because I have a bit of a thing for poo, but I’m not too sure about all that Einsteiny stuff. Maybe you should ask someone who actually knows what they’re talking about. That Brian Cox is pretty smart, I’m told. And his qualifications weren’t bought on the internet, either.”
We took her advice and asked . He was somewhat sceptical. “A huge conglomeration of matter certainly has the potential to cause the creation of a singularity in space-time”, he explained, “but we really are talking about an awful lot of stuff being forced into a very small place. I’m a physicist rather than a biologist, but I’m pretty sure that for an artery to reach a sufficient point of density to generate its own event horizon, it would have to pass several biological red-lines. The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that the Prime Minister is far more likely to explode in the style of than implode in the way that’s being suggested. It would be rather amusing if it happened during PMQs, I suppose. Wiffle-waffle boom! As entertaining as it would be, though, I’m not entirely convinced by the scientific validity of the scheme.”
The 100 Pound Diet – A Health Warning
Because somebody, somewhere is probably daft enough to want to try this, we are legally obliged to point out that eating 110 pounds worth of food on a daily basis is SERIOUSLY BAD for you. Not to mention, a little bit crass when there are children going hungry. It is likely to turn you into a big, lardy blancmange with an extremely wobbly backside and a flabby brain. In the long run, it will almost certainly bring about Type-2 diabetes, and cause coronary problems that will likely lead to strokes and heart attacks. PLEASE, DO NOT, IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, ATTEMPT THIS DIET UNLESS YOU ARE BORIS JOHNSON.
