When you die, will you go to Heaven or burn in Hell for all eternity? It’s not quite as clear-cut as you might think.
God is a pretty forgiving guy but we tend to forget that He sees everything we do. And that’s not just everything we do in life. It’s everything that we do on the internet, too! You may have spent your day helping out at the church fete but you could easily have undone all that good work by posting a snarky Tweet or trying to spread some dangerous misinformation on . Worse still, you may have looked at some lascivious pictures whilst pretending to search for something altogether more innocent.
God notices these things! And they’ll all be on the list when you face your interview with Saint Peter. It’s the most important interview of your life and it could happen at any time. Failure to be ready could lead to a long spell in Purgatory. Worse still, it could lead to an eternity of Hellfire and damnation. You may think that you’re big and tough and ready for anything but do you really want to spend eternity being treated like a barbequed sausage? Burnt on the outside, half-cooked on the inside with a fork being jabbed into you at regular intervals. Is that what you really want? Because that’s what could very well happen!
Research suggests that 15% of afterlife interviews are failed due to internet activity!
Yes, you read that correctly. A staggering 15% of the freshly departed are being condemned to endless suffering because of things that they have said or done on the internet. The scales of justice are finely balanced and a few mistakes can make a huge difference.
If you don’t believe us, check out these two real-life examples of post-life interviews:
Case Study 1
Mrs Mavis Monkfish of Moreton Harkett died last Tuesday. Her life had been relatively blameless, although it was felt that she could have been a little more generous with her money.
SAINT PETER: Let’s see, Mrs Monkfish. You were always quite nice to children and small furry animals, but you were a terrible freeloader. It’s no surprise that you were so wealthy given that you haven’t splashed out for a round since 1972. We might be looking at a bit of time in Purgatory for that.
MRS MONKFISH: I’m sorry, your Saintship. It’s just that my parents raised me to be very careful. We were rather poor, you see.
SAINT PETER: That should have changed when you won the football pools in 1976, to be honest, but we’ll overlook that for now. We have to work on the basis that God, by default, really does want people to go to Heaven. In your case, however, there is a fly in the ointment, I’m afraid. Do you recall a certain Facebook post that you made last week? I quote: “You may call her a national treasure but I call her an evil abomination. I’m sure she bats for the other side and we all know that God hates carpet-munchers.”
The truth is that what God really hates is people telling Him what He does and doesn’t like. He gets about such things, as it goes. If I can just read the comment that He wrote by that one, you might appreciate his position. “Please inform Mrs Monkfish that I am not at all happy about her blaming Me for her prejudices. If I’ve got something to say about something, I make it perfectly clear on tablets of stone or put it in the sky in forty-foot letters of fire. It’s not bloody rocket science. This one has really boiled my Holy piss and I would ask you to deduct 20 points from her final score.”
Sadly, Mrs Monkfish, that leaves your lifetime points tally at -17 and I have no alternative but to press this red button.
Mrs Monkfish is now in Hell having her kidneys repeatedly prodded with red-hot pokers but it could all have been so different! Read on to find out how she could have avoided paying for her final faux pas until the end of time, if only she had used the Absolution Solution.
Case Study 2
Mr Michael Grubsworth of Little Snorting passed away yesterday. He was a regular church-goer and rang the bells at his local parish for over fifty years. He was always very kind to his dear old mother. An absolute shoo-in to get past the Pearly Gates, you would have thought. But think again …
SAINT PETER: Well, Mr Grubsworth, you do seem to have lived a fairly blameless life until you opened your account on Twitter. Things seem to have gone somewhat downhill from there.
MR GRUBSWORTH: I felt it was important to get the truth out there!
SAINT PETER: But you claimed that Covid vaccinations would upgrade people to run on Windows 11. You can’t possibly have believed that to be true …
MR GRUBSOWRTH: Well, no, I didn’t actually believe it but posting such rot gets you far more followers than just Tweeting boring sciencey stuff. It was only a bit of fun.
SAINT PETER: Fun, you say? Do you realise how much extra work your rat-licking claptrap has caused for us? God, I can assure you, is not remotely amused. He did, however, ask me to congratulate you on your excellent bell-ringing before I press this button here …
You guessed it. Mr Grubsworth is in a very warm place with fire-ants crawling up his urethra, and will be for evermore. Again it could have been very different.
The Absolution Solution
It doesn’t have to be like that!
At the Absolution Solution, we have a team of highly-trained penitents waiting to take on the burden of all your internet sins. They will say Hail Marys and How’s Your Father’s or flagellate themselves according to your sectarian prejudices. Holy water is included in the service.
Just imagine the freedom of being able to insult, misinform and generally be a twat on the internet without any fear of divine retribution. Providing you can get through your real-life without murdering, raping and pillaging, there’s a very real chance that you, too, could go to Heaven – in spite of your utterly ghastly online existence.
Better still, we have a plan to suit every pocket and every level of pain-in-the-arsery.
Standard Plan
Our standard plan is more than adequate for the average sinner. Our expert penitants will punish themselves for every mildly snarky comment or ill-researched statement of “fact” that you make on any associated social media account BEFORE GOD HAS EVEN HAD TIME TO READ THEM.
Pre-punished sins are not taken into account in the final reckoning so you can about your daily business of being on the internet without any fear that your occasional snits will have any impact on how you spend your afterlife.
For a bargain £5/month, this is the ideal solution for the average nice person.
Silver Plan
For more persistent offenders, our silver plan provides more than adequate cover. We will wipe out a hundred misdeeds per month. That allows you to misbehave at least three times a day which should more than suffice for the average, mildly aggressive internet user.
Better yet, any unused absolution points will automatically be rolled over into next month’s allowance FOR NO EXTRA CHARGE!
At a modest £10/month, this is one of our most popular plans.
Gold Plan
For riled-up pensioners and stay-at-home moms, alike, the Gold Plan offers all the bonuses of the Silver Plan with a whopping allowance of 500 absolution points per month. That’s a quite frankly made-up value of £1,000 but it’s yours for a mere £25 per month.
That’s more than enough to allow you to be pretty darned cranky on a daily basis.
Platinum Plan
If you’re a full-time troll, however, and your favourite activity is getting banned from Twitter so that you can claim to be cancelled, you may well need our premium level of protection.
The Platinum package goes above and beyond to clean up your sordid messes and comes with UNLIMITED credits. That’s right! We’ll suck up all of your anti-social media shenanigans for a mere £50 a month.
If you’re serious about annoying people but still want to go to Heaven, this PRO option is your best bet short of building a children’s hospital. Whilst we would prefer that you did build a children’s hospital, it has to be noted that that would cost you way more than 50 quid a month.
There’s More!
Not only do ALL of our plans come with an official Absolution Solutions certificate, we may or may not send you a biro at some point or other.
And More!
When you sign-up to any of our plans, you will automatically receive a FREE, LIFETIME SUBSCRIPTION TO THE DAILY DISTRESS (normally free). As a special “thank you”, those signing up for the Platinum Plan will also receive a free afterlife-time subscription that will remain valid for your entire stay in Heaven.
Pick Your Way to Get to Heaven
| Allowance | Price | Who’s it for? | |
| Standard plan | 30 Sins | £5 | Regular internet users |
| Silver plan | 100 Sins | £10 | Snark merchants, self-styled political commentators and political party members. |
| Gold plan | 500 Sins | £25 | Divas, paranoids, sweary-Marys and extremists. |
| Platinum plan | Unlimited | £50 | Professional trolls, politicians and other compulsive liars. |
The Legal Bit
All of our products and services* are completely compliant with Heavenly standards on sin discounting and third-party supplication (HS-6600 and HS-4230).
We can hold no accountability for your off-line actions. If you’re a serial killer, the chances are you’re going downstairs, regardless.
Correspondence with the deceased will only be entered into via an approved medium.
If you don’t receive a biro, it’s because Absolution Solutions can’t be bothered to get them printed. It’s nothing personal. Seriously, though, we will send you some Daily DIstress goodies from time to time.
*Apart from the biros which are whatever we can get hold of.
The One True Way to go to Heaven
The world is full of televangelists who will happily take your money in order to buy a new limousine and a younger wife. They might offer you the Kingdom of Heaven in return but we have reliable intelligence that few of their clients ever make it through the Pearly Gates.
At Absolution Solutions, we genuinely care about what happens to your immortal soul and all of our profits are spent on good causes. At least that’s what we tell the taxman.
Go to Heaven the smart way with one of our fantastic plans today.
