Could Barnstoneworth be set to declare its independence from the UK? The Barnstoneworth Independence Party and their leader, Jack “Wolfy” Ramsbottom hope so.
In an exclusive interview with The Daily Distress, Ramsbottom tells us how a dispute with the Yorkshire Cribbage League could develop into a seismic wave that will strike at the heart of British politics.
The Last Straw for Barnstoneworth
“It all started during a heated discussion in the tap-room of the Tupper’s Arms. We’d been playing Ollerinsthorpe in a vital relegation clash. Their skipper was constantly distracting our lads. He’d be tapping on the table and jiggling his keys. He’d keep blowing his nose and clearing his throat. You name it, he was doing it.
“The upshot was that he put George Sattersthwaite off to such an extent that he missed a run of three. This bloke, as you’d probably guess, claims the “muggins” and wins the deciding leg because of it. Well, that was us consigned to Division 13. As you can imagine, we weren’t too happy.
“We were straight on the ‘phone to the Yorkshire Cribbage League, of course, but they said that there was nothing to be done once the scorecards had been signed off. The Heckeringshaw and District League Committee were bugger-all help, either.
“So I turned round to the lads and I said “Do you know what, lads? We’re on our bloody own again. It’s Barnstoneworth against the world, same as it always is!” And one of the boys, I can’t remember which, suggests that we start our own country and it all sprang from there.
The Barnstoneworth Independence Party is Born
“I’d been in a bit of a sulk about Corbyn losing the Labour job, anyway, so it just seemed like the perfect time to initiate a revolution. If I could free Barnstoneworth from the cheating clutches of the Yorkshire Cribbage league while I was at it, so much the better.
“So anyway, I set about doing all the important stuff. I painted a sign. My dog got in the way but it looks alright. I’m not sure why I did it in Bradford City colours, I’m a Barnstoneworth fan, through and through. I opened a Twitter account and set about fighting for freedom for Barnstoneworth, world peace and the liberation of Tibet. I’ve already got quite a few followers on and I like to think of them as party members.
That Manifesto in Full
“After I’d done all that, we just needed a manifesto. So we knocked that up in an early doors session in the Tupper’s and before I knew it, we were a proper party.
“We decided to keep the pledges small and achievable. We don’t want to run before we can walk, but we think we’ve nailed it:
- Overthrow global capitalism. Obvious, that one, but it needs to be there.
- Independence for Barnstoneworth. I know it says that in the party name but some people aren’t too bright so we thought we’d better underline it.
- Repaint the picket fence around the bowling green behind Saint Chad’s church.
- Force the Yorkshire Cribbage league to apologise live on the evening news.
- Be nice to children and small, furry animals.
- Force the Heckeringshaw and District League Committee to apologise live on the evening news.
- Rejoin the EU if, and only if, they will let us nationalise the corner shop because old Arklesworth is a right bloody rob-dog.
- Make the landlord at The Old Dead Ram clean his bloody pipes once in a while.
- Stop Dolly Wainright feeding the pigeons.
- Destroy neoliberalism. I’m not entirely sure what neoliberalism is but I think it’s all the stuff that nobody likes.
- Abolish the royal family.
- Ban that bloody woman who thinks she sounds like from the open-mic night at The Boar.
- Express our solidarity with the people of Tierra del Fuego.
- Put lottery tickets back down to a quid.
- Bring about an end to parochialism in politics. I’m not entirely sure what that means, either, but it sounds good.
From Barnstoneworth to the Stars
“I think that gives us a solid enough platform to be going on with. I’m sure that there’s enough in there to attract voters from far beyond Barnstoneworth. Maybe even people as far away as Heckeringshaw. With a bit of good luck and a following wind, we could emerge from the next general election as the largest single party.
That’s why I’m telling my members to sup up their pints and prepare for power.”