Since his tragic abduction by aliens, people can’t get enough of Trevor Scroggins, former member of the Blowfish Boys.
Tributes to the tuneless tambourinist have been flying in from all over the world.
World Leaders Come Together
Donald Trump tweeted “Big shame about Scroggins. HUGE SHAME! I wish it was FAKE NEWS! Biden’s fault. No doubt about that. BIDEN’S FAULT. SHAME! SPACE ARMY ON ALERT!”
Vladimir Putin told a Russian press-conference “Trevor was nice boy. Very nice. I liked Trevor a lot. He was a pretty lad and I can see why the aliens took him, but my cosmonauts will get him back for me.”
Boris Johnson made a moving announcement at the start of Prime Minister’s Questions. “Ah, er, yes”, he told the nation, “this chap in the spaceship is ah, obviously in our hearts and minds right now and we all wish him well on his interplanetary trajectory, whatever it might be. The Blow-wave Boys, Mr. Speaker, were a truly world beating British boy band. In a manner of speaking, as it were.”
Perhaps the most moving tribute of all was that from Kim Jong Un who shed a tear as he declared that “The Clownfish Boys piss on all of those South Korean bands from a very great height. Trevor was way cooler than that guy who did Gangnam Style. Way cooler!”
Plucky Brits Pull Together
The Daily Mirror printed a heart-wrenching 18 page tribute to Scroggins as BBC Radio 5 bleated on about the story for nine hours without pause.
There is barely a British high street without a stall selling assorted band-related tat, surrounded by throngs of tearful teens and hysterical, middle-aged women. Front windows across the nation are adorned with hand-made posters wishing Scroggins a speedy return.
The Daily Distress has been deluged with letters from distressed fans, here are the ones that we could actually read:
Although I’d never really heard of them before, the Blowfish Boys are great! I don’t know why I thought they were so rubbish before! – Tiffany Tremlett, Goole.
I’m not sure what all the fuss is about with young Scroggins. The aliens will probe his bottom and send him back when they’re done. At least, that’s what happened to me. Several times. – Roger Scringeworth, Northampton.
We had a referendum didn’t we? Just get Trevor back, Boris! – Edna James, Tipton
It’s just like your best friend dying or Princess Di or something. Except of course, he was abducted by aliens. Which is a bit different, really. Maybe more like your cat going missing. He will always be with us whatever planet he might be on. The people of Liverpool will find a way through this, we always do because Scousers are great people. And we’ve got a great sense of humour. – Maria Higgins, Liverpool.
If we controlled our own air space, rather than leaving it to unelected Brussels Bureaucrats this wouldn’t have happened. Can I claim expenses for this? – N. Farage, Down South.
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If you have been affected by any issues raised by the alien abduction of a minor celebrity and somehow equated it with losing someone who actually means something to you, please seek help.