Mark Francois Fights the Flab

We’ve all been piling on the pounds during lock-down and obesity is on the rise. Excess weight is rapidly becoming the number one health problem in the UK. An increase in heart attacks, strokes, type 2 diabetes and people getting wedged between the doors at McDonald’s have all been blamed on our national weight problem.

Fortunately, our caring, sharing government have decided that enough is enough. Westminster is ready to announce the launch of a big, fat anti-obesity task force later this month.

Enter the Hero

The new team will be led by famously svelte, war-hero Mark Francois.

Mark Francois - not only did he win the war single handed, he also ate all the pies. He's a big, fat genius and no mistake.
(Image by Richard Townshend, )

Francois comes with an impressive CV. Not only was he responsible for the production of Britain’s four-word Brexit plan, he also won the war on his own and has an impressive track record when it comes to staring at people in a funny way.

The new Pork Tsar is, perhaps, most famous for liberating Stalingrad by single-handedly eating the entire German supply line. He also shot down forty-eight enemy fighters during the Battle of Britain in a specially constructed, out-sized Hawker Hurricane.

The portly politician is far too modest to discuss the day that he sank The Bismarck armed only with a Swiss army knife and a corkscrew.

Remarkably, such is the precocity of his talent, he somehow achieved much of this long before he was born.

High Hopes

The government is confident that they have made the perfect appointment. A spokesman told us “There is little doubt that Mark is a man of remarkable talent. He never ceases to say so. His organised approach is legendary in political circles. Not only will he be a great role model for Brits everywhere, but his famous strategy of talking crap and hoping for the best is exactly what we need here.”

Precise plans for the National Anti-Fat Fight (NAFF) are not yet known. It is quite likely that it will involve a combination of mass unemployment, universal poverty and moving the bulk of Britain’s food supplies to a lorry-park in Kent. There may also be a new tax on chocolate eclairs and compulsory health warnings on energy drinks.

Thanks to a softly spoken, mild-mannered British hero with a French name, Brits may never have to look at an unsightly, teen-aged bloater ever again.