The lands a national scoop as it reveals that Saint Cleve has been chosen to host the Festival of Brexit.
The announcement may come as something of a surprise as the small village was up against several major cities in the bidding process. However, thanks to some tireless lobbying and a substantial donation to the Conservative Party, the local vicar has finally put St. Cleve firmly on the map.
Full details of the exciting schedule have been revealed in the latest edition of the St. Cleve and Linwell Parish newsletter:
It is with great joy that I can reveal that our humble parish has been selected to host the national Festival of Brexit! We have all sorts of special guests lined-up and a most generous budget provided by the humble taxpayers of Britain.
As you can imagine, such an event will mean that we will be unable to host our usual church fete this year, so it’s a well-deserved year off for Mrs Forbes-Hamilton and Mrs Pinkerton-Trunks and the rest of the committee. We thank them for their tireless efforts as they make way for people with a somewhat higher profile.
Following a careful planning process and a couple of text messages, we are now in a position to announce some of the amazing events and ‘personalities’ that we can all look forward to.
Festival of Brexit Events 2021
I am excited to announce that his year’s tombola will be run by none other than Home Secretary, Priti Patel. There will be some incredible prizes on offer, not least a cash jackpot of a million pounds in used banknotes. Ms Patel informs me that a prize will be awarded for every ticket with a number ending in eleventy-six-and-a-half-point-eight. In the unlikely event that any prizes remain unclaimed, they will be donated to Ms Patel’s personal charity.
I would like to point out to those parishioners that have never seen a brown person before, that Ms Patel is just like the rest of us, only a bit more racist. Please do try to make her feel at home in St, Cleve!
No festivity would be complete without a bottle stall and this year we are privileged to have celebrity back-bencher Nadine Dorries at the helm. Ms Dorries is a fervent teetotaller and I am reliably informed that the chances of her draining the bottles and getting embarrassingly rat-arsed are close to zero.
The bric-a-brac stall will be curated by Liz Truss who has an impressive CV including such positions as milk monitor, netball substitute and being allowed to look after the school gerbil during the holidays.
Ms Truss will be selling all sorts of interesting nick-nacks including the crown jewels and the National Health Service.
To highlight the global nature of Brexit, the stall will happily accept payments in Roubles and Yuan alongside the more traditional brown paper envelopes full of British banknotes.
A festival wouldn’t be a festival without food and we are delighted to announce that John Redwood will be here with some of his wonderful home-grown offerings.
Aside from an extraordinary array of Berkshire-caught sea bass, Mr Redwood will also be offering his home-grown pineapples, bananas and mangoes. He also hopes to supply some of his scrumptious homemade cheese providing that it slows down for long enough for him to be able to catch it.
This year’s raffle will be organised by Mrs Dido Harding who, we are assured, is very good at business and stuff. Her services don’t come cheap but I’m sure that she will prove to be great value for money.
The prizes are yet to be confirmed but she assures us that they will be jolly super, if and when they turn up. We very much hope so as she is costing us 99.9% of our budget.
As proof that He moves in mysterious ways, His wonders to perform, the Good Lord created Andrea Jenkyns. Ms Jenkyns will be here in her guise of Madame Mysteriosa, predicting the future for all that are prepared to listen.
Simply cross Madame Mysteriosa’s palm with a fifty-pound note and she’ll be sure to tell you that the future will be “bigly bright” thanks to Brexit.
Due to the large amount of money that we’re paying Dido Harding to run the raffle, we sadly do not have the available funds to hire the usual bouncy castle from Bouncy Bert. All is not lost, however, as the nation’s favourite war hero, Mark Francois, has agreed to stand in for the traditional inflatable.
Parents are strongly advised NOT to let their children feed Mr Francois. If he were to explode, the entire parish would disappear with him.
After the festivities have died down, we will retire to the church hall for a brains trust. Messrs Boris Johnson, Matt Hancock and Dominic Raaaaab will form the panel and we can guarantee many hours of entertainment as they refuse to answer a single question from the audience.
There are even more exciting events that are yet to be confirmed. We hope that Nigel Farage will be joining us for a game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and we are working hard to obtain the head of Michael Gove for use at the coconut-shy. Michael Fabricant has offered his services as a clown but we are a little worried that he will scare the children.
I am sure that you will all agree that the Festival of Brexit is set to be a huge success and well worth the years that we will all spend paying for it.
In other news, would somebody please tell young Bostock to stop being such a precocious, little git and meekly accept the fate that the government has chosen on his behalf? Thank you.
Love and blessings,
Reverend Alexander Johnson.