The Daily Distress Advice Column with Aunt Lucy

If you’re reading the Daily Distress, you probably need some kind of advice, Our expert agony aunt, Lucy van Pelt is here to answer all of your questions in her new agony column.

The Daily Distress advice column with Aunt Lucy - it's agony!

Dear Aunt Lucy,

I have a terrible problem with my wife of eleven years. She is the world’s worst winner!

By way of an example, every Thursday night she insists that we play Monopoly. She invariably wins as my luck is lousy. I always seem to spend half of the game in jail and she never lands on my stations.

She will then crow about her victory all the way through to next week’s inevitable triumph. It’s not just the occasional jibe, it’s a constant stream of sledging and abuse. It’s so bad that there are times that I feel like I’m married to an Australian cricket team.

I have tried feigning headaches but to no avail. She will always insist on playing.

I now live in dread of Thursday nights and I’m not sure that my marriage will survive this. I love my wife, dearly, but this one aspect of her is destroying our relationship. What on Earth can I do?

Disheartened, Penge.

Monopoly - some random image in a Daily Distress satirical article.

Dear Disheartened of Penge,

Marriage is sometimes difficult. You need to work at it to make it succeed.

In eleven years, you have absolutely failed to learn to play Monopoly. Who’s fault is that? Your wife’s? I don’t think so!

Why, in God’s name, are you buying stations when you should be buying streets? You’ll be telling me next that you buy utilities, too! Heaven’s sake, man! This is Monopoly 1.01. Languishing in jail? Man up and pay the £50 fine as soon as you make a decent roll. These are the bloody basics!

Your wife is right when she calls you a pathetic loser and you should sharpen up your act accordingly.

Give the lass a break and grow a pair!

Kindest regards,

Aunt Lucy

The Daily Distress, never averse to a cute cat picture.

Dear Aunt Lucy,

I think that my cat may have converted to Islam. He has taken to lying in a direction that would seem to point to Mecca.

Is there anything I need to do in order to accommodate his new-found religion? I’m particularly worried about his dietary requirements.

Pet lover, Bolsover.

Dear Pet Lover of Bolsover,

Before you commit to an expensive Halal diet for your cat, you should probably double check that your cat really is a Muslim.

The next time that you make yourself a bacon or sausage sandwich, offer him a little meat. If he accepts, you can be fairly sure that he is neither Islamic nor Jewish as both faiths forbid the consumption of pork.

Hugs to kitty,

Aunt Lucy

Dear Aunt Lucy,

I am one of those irritating bastards who feel the urge to make comments on stuff that I haven’t read. Somehow, I feel that this makes be big and clever.

I know I’m being a twat and that nobody enjoys my smart-arse comments but I just can’t help myself.

Please help and please, please, please like my post!

Worried, Wolverhampton

daily distress UK satire humour

Dear Worried of Wolverhampton,

The ideal thickness for a cauliflower steak is about 3cm. Any thicker and it just won’t cook in the middle.

Happy cooking!

Aunt Lucy

Do you have an intractable problem but find yourself unable to get proper help? Write to Aunt Lucy at The Daily Distress and she’ll fix you up for free.