Stonehenge set for Refurbishment

stonehenge refurbishment plan revealed in The Daily Distress

Britain’s most famous neolithic monument could be set for an exciting revamp as the UK government seeks to modernise the nation.

Ancient Mystery

Stonehenge is believed to have been constructed somewhere between four and five thousand years ago. In spite of extensive research, nobody is quite sure whether it served as a temple, an observatory or something else altogether.

Some have even speculated that the stones were a landing beacon for extra-terrestrials, but they mostly work for The History Channel.

Whatever it was intended for, people have marvelled at the structure for millennia.

Nobody can adequately explain how the huge stones were transported over huge distances from the mythical land of Wales. Nobody has yet worked out how they could have been lifted without modern machinery. The precise alignment of the stones with the Summer solstice sunrise has led to countless theories but the truth remains unknown.

Whilst the site has remained a popular draw for archaeologists, hippies and American tourists, the government are now beginning to question whether the structure is fit for the 21st Century.

Stonehenge Reloaded

Senior government adviser, Sir Roderick Cumstain, told us that the neolithic masterpiece is no longer fit for its unknown purpose.

“Whatever it was built for, it’s clearly of no current value to a vibrant and resurgent nation like Britain” he explained. “Quite frankly, the whole thing is a bit of an eyesore and something of a blot on the majestic A303. It just sits there, idling. It serves no purpose – it’s economically inert. This heap of rocks is a sordid reminder of a time when England was attached to the rest of the continent.”

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A pterodactyl crosses the majestic A303.

“Fortunately, I have an old school chum with a construction company. Well, I say ‘construction company’ but they’re currently in the cat food business. They’re jolly eager to adapt, though, so it won’t be a problem. Anyway, he’s come up with a top drawer plan to re-purpose the old building to something more contemporary. All at a very reasonable price, I might add. The £48 billion consultation fees will largely be diverted from primary education. Any associated tax rises will be very modest.”

“The project should conjure up at least a few jobs for the boys and it will provide a tremendous boost for local restaurants and wine bars. The whole area really will receive a much-needed shot in the arm.”

Refurbishment Plans

“In times like these, when housing is in short supply, due to the failings of previous governments, it would be morally wrong to do anything other than turn the unsightly thing into luxury apartments.”

“The proposed homes will follow the recent trend of providing something resembling a shoddily-built hotel room for just twice the price of a perfectly good flat. They will all have entirely unusable balconies, flammable cladding and a leaking roof, just as you would expect. All the mod cons! After centuries of obscurity, we are going to put Wiltshire on the map! Finally, Stonehenge can become something that we, as a nation, can all be jolly proud of.”

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An artist’s impression of the new, improved monument.

Sir Roderick proceeded to offer us various time-share options on units in other planned developments. We were quite tempted by the one at Canterbury cathedral but the terms and conditions were a little off-putting. Caerphilly castle seemed like a good idea but we decided that Caerphilly is a much more interesting place with a castle.

Nelson’s column is far too close to London for our tastes.

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Bulldozery thing in picture courtesy of Silveira_Neto, via .

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