A few weeks ago we asked some of our plucky British fish what they thought about the upcoming Brexit adventure. Have any of them changed their opinion now that they have been swimming in their own sovereignty for the best part of a month? As implied by the fancy Latin subtitle, we revisit the same fish to see if their opinions have changed.
EDNA JAMES (Sardine, Benefit Fraudster, Humber):
Before – We had a referendum, didn’t we? Just get on with it, Boris!
After – Just get on with it Boris! Still nothing! I don’t know why I bothered nicking all those polling cards, I really don’t.
‘BIG MOUTH’ BILLY BASS (Sea Bass, Entertainer, North Utsere):
Before – I’ve not sung Don’t Worry, Be Happy since 2016, it just doesn’t seem right. My repertoire has been reduced to Take me to the River and I barely get a gig these days. Nice one, Brexiters!
After – Nothing has happened to change my mind. Actually, that’s not true. I’m on even more pills for my nerves than I was before. Life’s bad enough without having to avoid this crap on top of it all. I’m seriously thinking about swimming to Canada where I hope to get a gig as a Leonard Cohen tribute act. There’s nothing here for me anymore.
‘WOR SPRATTIE’ MILBURN (Sprat, Shopkeeper, Tyne):
Before – They always seem to be banging on about cod but only soft southern shites eat the stuff! It’s a bottom-feeder, fish, man! What about the haddock? That’s what I’d like to know! Is any bugger going to think about the haddock?
After – Did I not tell yez? There’s not been a single thing done for the haddock. Not a single damned thing. It’s a bloody disgrace, fish, man!
MARY O’LEARY (Plaice, Nurse, Malin Head):
Before – I’m lucky in that my dad’s Irish so I can still get a proper passport rather than one of those crappy blue things that are made in France. It’s great that I’m still able to swim around but I’m not looking forward to the poverty or the restricted diet.
After – I tried to visit my brother in Irish Sea last week, sixty-five forms they wanted me to fill in. Sixty-five! I’m sure there never used to be a border there.
Please help The Daily Distress to provide an infinitely more factual alternative to The Daily Express by making your next Amazon purchase via this link. It helps us keep our content free and undictated by swivel-eyed lunatics.
‘BIG’ HARRY GRESHAM (Sole, Football Hooligan, Dover):
Before – It’s about time them bleeding liberals learnt a lesson, innit? I’m English, mate. English as fish and chips. I ain’t never liked no foreign fish. Nothing personal, like. I just hate ’em. If we have to starve ourselves to get rid of the buggers, that’s alright with me, pal. I tell you what, he’s a good ‘un, that Rees Moggy, one of the lads, not like them elite tossers. Do you like me new tat? My missus done it. Good, innit?
After – Bloody typical, innit? Them foreign gits pretending they can’t get their stuff through Dover. Absolutely true to bleeding form. They’ve got previous, haven’t they? Remember Agincourt? We showed ’em there, didn’t we? And we’ll show ’em again! Come on! ‘Ave it! Tell you what, though, mate. I’ve got me sovereignty – I don’t need no stinking fish food. I’VE GOT MY SOVEREIGNTY! Do you hear that, Johnny Foreigner? I’m a British subject, not some wishy-washy Euro-bloody-citizen like you lot. If you bunch of … [we think we’ve heard quite enough from Big Harry now, this is a family newspaper – Ed.]
FINTON McTAVISH (Moray Eel, White Van Fish, Cromarty):
Before – Well, initially, I was quite taken with Nigel Farage on account of him looking so much like we do, but it turned out he’s a right slippery eel.
After – Work’s right down. Some of it might be due to the virus but I’m starting to think that we mave dropped a clanger.
HELMUT SCHUMACHER (Skate, Brain Surgeon, Portsmouth):
Before – I have lived and worked here for 26 years. Would that idiot Cameron give me a vote? Oh, no! Now that bloody, crazy dwarf woman wants to deport my kids to Jamaica. I’m rapidly losing my sense of humour.
After – We were unable to contact Herr Schumacher as Priti Patel ordered the Home Office to deport him to Antartica. Questions were raised as to the moral rectitude of this move – particularly as Herr Schumacher was dragged out of an operating theatre whilst performing potentially life-saving surgery on a six year-old girl. The girl subsequently died.
The Home Office issued the folllowing statement: “Don’t mess with Priti or you know what will happen. Capiche?”
We later found the severed head of a unicorn in our editor’s bed. We are able to confirm that some of those “magic” stain-removal products that they sell on the telly aren’t all that they’re cracked up to be. The dry-cleaning bills were horrendous.
We are heavily out of pocket and would like to assure Ms Patel that this isn’t over by a long way.
GREG DOBBS (Pollock, Shop Fitter, Irish Sea):
Before – We’ll be fine with the WWF, mate. I read about it in the paper. Can’t see what the fuss is about. It’s not like we’re not going to have no more shops, is it?
After – I’m loving it, mate! All them sodding remainders getting wound up by red tape and food shortages. Serves them bloody right!
TARQUIN CHESTERTON-SMYTHE (Monkfish, Wine Importer, Portland):
Before – Those libtard, remainders make one chortle. How could this possibly affect the wine trade?
After – One has to expect a few teething troubles, I suppose. We’ll be fine once the Faroe Islands nouveau arrives. One simply has to believe in Britain.
JOAN RUSSELL (Guppy, Clerical Assistant, Lundy):
Before – I don’t know why the European whatsit is being so stroppy. If we have to buy some French warships to sort out the bloody French, then so be it. All these fish banging on about their fishy rights and health and safety and whatnot, it makes me sick. It’s political correctness gone mad, it is. My mum didn’t fight in three world wars so we could eat bloody camembert. And she always voted Tory. We might have been poor, but we were always Tory.
After – I lost my bloody job because that nice Mr Dyson had to move his operations abroad. Why? I’ll tell you why. It that Arthur bloody Big-Gills and his sodding National Union of Fish in the 1970’s. What’s that bloody Starmer done about it? Nothing! Maggie would have sorted him out, good and proper.
MARTHA JENKINS (Pilchard, Civil Engineer, Fastnet):
Before – I do wish that other fish would stop calling Bozo a pilchard. It’s more than a little insensitive.
After – Can’t we just call him a pollock?
HARRY ROCKFISH (Rockfish, Retired, Thames):
Before – Now, I like John Redwood, he’s got a good healthy obsession with fish and our role in British history. But if he was to come round here, advocating some idiot no-deal Brexit in my name, I would have to say “Oi! Redwood! No! You may be the foremost fish-fancier in Berkshire but if you think it’s okay to put my entire family out of work and force us to stock-pile toilet paper at the same time, you’ve got another think coming! Well, I’d have to give him a slap with a wet kipper, wouldn’t I?
After – I like that Boris Johnson, he’s a big, round, bumbling and fundamentally affable buffoon who would go down extremely well at a children’s party. But if he was to come round here and attempt to have a thousand more of his children with MY SISTER! I would have to say “Oi! Johnson! No! You may be the nation’s circus-escapee of hearts but if you think that staying up for the night eating pizza qualifies as doing your bleeding job, you are very much mistaken! Well – I’d just have to tell him that his Brexit deal’s a bag of shit, wouldn’t I? It’s not like it’s a bloody secret.
