G7 – Britain Calls for a Rethink

G7 summit portrait ruined by Rees-Mogg

Great Britain is set to deliver a motion to the G7 seeking significant expansion to its number of member nations.  The Group of 7 currently consists of the USA, Canada, France, Germany, Italy, the UK and Japan

There have been several changes to the group’s membership since it was founded as the Group of 5 in the 1970’s so there is no shortage of precedent for change.  The new British proposal, however, could bring about the most radical restructuring yet.

A Treasury spokeswoman explained “It has been a long-term ambition of ours to extend eligibility for participation beyond the current requirement of being one of the seven most economically active nations.  Around the globe, we see a number of ascendant economic powerhouses – China, Brazil, India, South Korea and Russia are all very obvious contenders. 

“Beyond that, however, we see a great many countries that could soon be on an economic par with Britain.  Emergent forces such as Namibia, Guatemala and The Faroe Islands could very soon see their GDP passing that of the UK.  The world economy is constantly evolving, and we must be alert and responsive to its movements.  For that reason, we need to take a good, long look at the role of Global Britain in the 21st Century if we are to maintain our place at the top table.

G7 is a Lonely Number

“Initially, we were set on a relatively modest 100% increase to 14 but following some deeper research, we now realise that that wouldn’t sustain our status beyond the next few weeks.  Our most optimistic forecast would suggest that our rankings will hit triple figures long before the Chancellor has finished donating every other penny that the UK has to Dido Harding and her chums.

“Given that we still haven’t seen any of the impact analyses for Brexit, it would be prudent to allow for a significantly worse deterioration than that.  With 196 sovereign nations in the world, we would feel comfortable with a group of 195.  We are still optimistic that, with a bit of luck and a following wind, we can remain slightly ahead of which has a smaller population than that of Hetton-le-Hole in County Durham.

“Why not go the whole hog and lobby for all 196, you ask?  We’re British and it’s psychologically vital to us that we feel that we’re doing better than somebody.  Especially when we very clearly aren’t.

Costs are the main issue. In a world where a minor nation, such as the USA, can get to Mars several times over for the same amount of money that we would have to spend on a dysfunctional mobile phone app, we face an uphill struggle. Whilst we are seeking every saving possible, there is a limit to what we can achieve simply by running the nation on twenty-year-old spreadsheets. Even taking into account the potentially massive profit that we will make from the Festival of Brexit, it has never been more vital that the rest of the world, and the G7 in particular, realigns itself with our expectations. If for some selfish reason, other nations refuse to do that, we really are up the proverbial gum-tree.”

Government Leaps to Action

The government have announced that they will be holding a bring-and-buy sale and organising a collection of milk-bottle tops in order to help the ailing economy. Please send all of your contributions to:

The Conservative Party,
30 Millbank,
London SW1P 4DP

Please note that all old clothes, general tat and milk-bottle tops should be sent unwashed in order to conserve the nation’s diminishing reserves of water and power. Heavy packaging is recommended in order to protect your donations. Breeze-blocks provide the ideal protective padding for milk-bottle tops.

Thank you.