The Daily Distress’s satirical articles.
There’s no need to get triggered by anything, we target extremists and idiots of all political persuasions. Left or right.
If you worship any particular politician, don’t read what we have to say about him or her. Your time would be better spent either finding an article about one that you don’t like or seeing a psychiatrist about your self-esteem issues. Either are good but one is free and the other is stupidly expensive, so do the first one.
Hi, I’m John Deadwood, MP for some place near Reading. Most of you will know me from my fearless and relentless campaigning for Vladimir Putin, but when I’m not busy ignoring my constituents or spouting crap on Twitter, I’m quite the ichthyologist. Yes, that’s right, I study fish! Being from Berkshire, the sea is clearly …
A Guide to British Fish by John Deadwood MP Read More »
Digby Grimes was an ordinary thirteen-year-old boy. He had greasy hair, an abundance of spots and he stank to high Heaven. Apart from an unhealthy fixation with fish, everything else in his life was perfectly normal. Just like any other boy, he was seen as an inconvenience by his parents, and as an infliction by …
The Life and Times of Digby Grimes Read More »
Hi, I’m Chloe Molloy-Timpson, and it’s a pleasure to share my life with you. Normally I’d be here to promote my new TV series, Life and How to Live It (coming soon on Netflix) and my new book Calm with Chloe (only £29.99). But in this time of national crisis, I’m here to share some …
How to Feed Your Kids for Pennies Read More »
In a world exclusive, The Daily Distress reveals a government document laying out plans for its new tendering process. Explanatory Memorandum to Procurement and Tendering Act (2020) 2020 No: 1984 Introduction 1.1) The purpose of this document is to outline some jolly important changes to the way that the government spends the taxpayers’ hard-earned cash. …
Government Tender Plans Revealed Read More »
Hi, I’m Lance Flittwit, star of stage and screen. You’ve probably seen me in such classics as The Night of the Giant Hamsters and Skippy Goes to Bangkok. You will have loved my cameos in The Bill and Casualty and may even have caught my legendary performance in The Old Harrovian’s Gang Show. If you’re …
New Political Party Launched Read More »
Rumours are rife that the BBC are planning to revitalise flagship motoring show Top Gear. At its peak, the show attracted a regular audience of more than 7 million viewers but figures are now down to a paltry 2 million. Since the departure of Jeremy Clarkson, James May and that bloke from the Midlands, Top …
Katie Bobbins set for Top Gear? Read More »
It’s a little known fact that all newly elected MPs of all sides are issued with a political phrase book on election to the House. The Bobbins’ dictionary, first published in 1869, has provided generations of Members with a treasure chest of timeless flim-flam. The book, known to insiders as “The Bible”, has always been …
Political Phrases and What They Mean. Read More »
Britain’s most famous neolithic monument could be set for an exciting revamp as the UK government seeks to modernise the nation. Ancient Mystery Stonehenge is believed to have been constructed somewhere between four and five thousand years ago. In spite of extensive research, nobody is quite sure whether it served as a temple, an observatory …
Stonehenge set for Refurbishment Read More »
Is a simple cup of coffee and a bite to eat too much to hope for in modern England?